It's always about forcing yourself to make the first move. My first move was opening my bible instead of my phone. It did make me want to fall asleep for a while. It's like all our demons see it and fight as soon as you open it up. I'll tell you some days I only got through a couple verses before my mind wondered. That was okay. As soon as I could, I'd try again. I'd journal everything through my ups and downs.
Gradually I would stay away from things that I would normally us as an escape. For me it was romance novels, manga and social media. Putting these things down hurt a lot. What do you fill your time with when you cut out these things? The bible. So I read more. Read longer each day. Learned more each day.
I prayed a lot. I prayed for myself, my family, the people I knew. That is when all the bad things felt like they wanted to suffocate me. I was so tired of all the lies around me in the media and I asked God to show me the truth. Asked Him to help me to be able to identify the lies. I was to that point that I felt like I just couldn't stand this world for another moment. I'd hit bottom. I was overwhelmed by all the things I couldn't fix, overwhelmed by all the problems I caused my family during my time in my depression. I could see what my mental absents had done and didn't even know where to start to fix it. I was down on myself to the point I wanted to just go back to bed and do what I'd been doing before. I knew that I couldn't. I couldn't give up. So first I cried, then prayed and cried some more.
That's when I asked him to be with me always, in all ways. I again told Him that I believed that Jesus died for my sins on the cross and rose again three days later. I told Him that I needed Him to be in charge of my life. From that day forward I totally depended on Him to get me through every day. I started to see God's actions in the bible as a father not just an all knowing being. I saw Jesus as a person that struggled just like me. He got annoyed, cried and loved those around him. I saw the Holy Spirit as my best friend who I told everything to and depended on to show me the right paths.
Things then started to change. The Lord would put in front of me exactly what I needed to hear or see. He would cause me to not feel hungry all the time and I started to lose weight. I felt the need to clear out things that I never realized were weighing me down until they were gone. They might have been consided idols in God's eyes. I stopped watching tv shows or movies. I stopped listening to any radio station that wasn't christian. They are gone and I feel like God has given me peace since they went out the door. I started to feel more confident and felt lead to go to a church. For a while I was just sitting in the back with the two younger kids. I wouldn't talk to anyone but I felt like it was filling a whole in me. So I tried out their bible study. Once again it filled a part that was empty.
It's been like that a lot. I'd feel like there was an empty part of me and God would fill it. When I started to worry about something I'd give it to God and suddenly somehow it would be taken care of. I started to forgive people. Not forgive and forget but forgive in my heart so that I can move on. Funny thing is I never realized before that I was holding anything against them. God has a way of digging those things out of you, so that you can process and deal with them in a healthy way. It's been a slow process and difficult at times. As God had lead me to do and say things that I never would have before. He has shown the people around me in a different light. He has shown me, my actions, pointed out my faults. I'm a work in progress. Habits are hard to break.
Now I try to see what I'm doing and change. I work on things to improve myself. I'm telling you all this because I feel God has lead me to share my struggles with you. It's been months into this life that God has made new for me.
So why would I be blogging and doing things online if God had me cut out all of those other things? I believe that it's a part of the path he will use to move me forward. Or more likely to help someone else because that is how He works. He will work through me to help someone else. So that they can see that God wants more for them and has so much to give, if they would only ask.
For those that are going through this process with God. It's not going to be easy as you work through things. But it will be worth it. Keep your bible beside you, read it first thing in the morning, listen to christian music, take time to feel his presents with you. You are not alone. Being loved means that you will be corrected sometimes but it's all for making you the best version of yourself.
My prayers that God is with you and blesses you my friend,
Dee
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